[This is a long one. I don’t even know if anyone reads these, but just be warned, eh?]
Vulnerability is a word that has been following me around lately.
I don’t like it when a word follows me around because it probably means I need to come to terms with its relevance in my life. It means there’s something I need to deal with, something to face down.
Anyone that knows me even briefly will know I’m not a fighter. I lay down at the first sign of trouble and try to limbo my way out of the situation. The only exception to this is if I’m fighting on someone else’s behalf. I have done some things that made me terrified in the marrow of my bones just so I could help another. For the most part, though, I’m pretty cowardly.
Why would I want anyone to know about my weaknesses? Not many people go out of their way to broadcast what’s wrong with them. Except I feel that the work I am doing right now is going to expose me. If there has been anything fraudulent or dishonest about my work before, it’s going to get the lid blown off of it this time around.
I have a fear creeping up on me about my work with the Glitter Punch Project. So far we’ve had an overwhelmingly positive response for our teasers, and in particular the full track upload of ELECTRIC LIGHT DISCO BABY. However, I’m concerned about how people are going to react when my voice/writing comes into the picture. I have a love/hate relationship with my singing. I don’t know how I’m going to resolve that in time for the release of our next single.
Matt thinks (knows) I’m a bit mad, the way I go on (and on and on and on…) about going a tad sharp on one note or another. I obsess over the tiniest mistake because I know there is going to be someone out there on the Internet that obsesses over the very same things and will be very vocal on the subject as soon as they detect them. I don’t want to run the risk of being stripped down and analysed, so I’ve been doing the analysis myself before anyone else gets their hands on the songs.
So far people have been hailing Matt as ‘the next Nakata!’ or saying that he’s ‘giving Capsule a run for their money’. Ok; people love Matt’s sound. That makes me very happy and fills me with a sense of pride as if he’s my little brother scoring the winning goal in injury time. Oh, and it’s the first time he’s played a full-length game of football. That’s how flippin’ proud I am.
But then I think about the song he wants us to release next. Oh, that fabled tune… The song I’m not sure I’ll ever get right. It’s called Laser. It’s our answer to Perfume’s Polyrhythm and it’s made of all the most epic things in our respective musical vocabularies. But, my goodness, it is hard to sing. I’ve tried everything. For the most recent take I sat down and tried to remove much of the expression from my delivery, just trying to keep the notes steady. It was an improvement, but I still feel insecure.
Not insecure. I feel vulnerable. I sound vulnerable. The song is about feeling exposed and broken, but finding something that holds you together. Something that cuts into the darkened dust storm in your heart to give you a moment of clarity. “Your words cut straight into my heart, like the burning line of a laser…”
Tonight, just as I was putting The Man to bed (he is often asleep before me if I’m working), he decides he’s going to start charging his own lasers, so to speak. He then systematically goes through everything about myself that I hate and tells me how much he loves all those things and why. He tells me that when I get embarrassingly excited over something it makes him smile and shows him I’m caring and passionate. He says he couldn’t love me if it wasn’t for those things, that I couldn’t make him happy in the same way without them.
I have this habit of writing seemingly prophetic songs. It seems I wrote Laser for an experience I was yet to have. I hate my vulnerability, but there is someone in my life that loves it.
“You hear the rhythms of my heart,
And you know I think it’s amazing
The way you listen through the noise
‘anata no hikari ga aishiteru’
Your words cut straight into my heart,
Like the burning line of a laser
I love the light that comes from you,
‘anata no hikari ga aishiteru’”